1st Lonely Night without J

i had a fight with my hubby earlier. I cant remember how it started. But i remembered J wanted to suckle, A stopped him and said he should kick the bad habit and coz of that, J cried coz he was struggling to break free of A's grip. His incessant crying broke my heart and i told A that he should distract him by bringing him down to the living room rather than holding him down. A refused as he wanted to watch his TV program coz by holding J down, he still could watch the TV. i got pissed off and i shutted off the TV and the next thing i knew, A blew his top and threw J onto the bed. I was in shock. How could he throw baby in that manner? I hate that man. Then he started shouting that he doesn't love us like i have always claimed. That he will grant us that wish. I was pissed and angry. What got into his head? No matter what, he should NEVER EVER do that to baby. What if J suffers a shock or well, i dont know what but A should just never do that. Anyway A went into his angry mode and started shouting and then went to sleep. In my mind, i felt this was triggered by the fact that i switched off the TV and it pissed him. Whereas he denied and said it was because i was always nagging and saying that he doesnt love J and me. I wanted to pack up and leave with J as i cannot tolerate him treating J like that. I told him to apologise to J but he refused. He said I cannot bring J away. If I want to go, I should go on my own. I really wish to leave but I am worried about J, What if A got pissed off with J's crying at night and takes even more drastic measures than just throwing him aside. I cannot imagine. So in conclusion, I will sleep in the mum's room and A will take care of J at night as he claimed that if J doesn't see me, he won't want to suckle and can fall asleep on his own. I will like J to kick this habit so i decide to do it. So now i'm in his mum's room lying on the room typing away. So far no crying from their room so it seems to be working. I guess it is true - out of sight is really out of mind. I am upset - J didnt want to kiss me goodnight earlier. I told him to kiss me but he gave me a half hearted one by sticking one side of his face to my lips. Well here goes my first night without J, eversince his birth till now, there is not one night where i am not the one to put him to bed. I miss him. I think i am having separation anxiety - will J forget me the next morning, will he stop loving me? NO! God, pls, let that not be the case. COz i cannot do without J. On one hand, I am so glad that finally I'm going to have a good night rest yet i cannot stop thinking about what J is doing right now. Is he reading? Playing? or has he fallen asleep? If it is the latter, I am such a failure as a mother. Baby, dont forget me the next morning ok. Till then, goodnight, sleep tight and sweet dreamz tonight. Love you.